The Training of Eragon
by Eruantalon
Summary: Eragon's training is not what he expects. "Listen to the plants." "But, teacher, all I hear are the animals!" "Who're you calling an animal?"


**THE TRAINING OF EREGON**

**CAST**  
EREGON, new Dragon-rider  
OROMIS, teacher  
INILZABETH, Elven-queen  
SAPHIRA and GLIDYR, Dragons

_Eragon belongs to Christopher Paolini; the right to free speech belongs to the people of the United States._

_I don't normally write parody, but while showing a friend my An Unexpected Family-Reunion, I came across this piece from several years ago. So, I cleaned it up a little and decided to post it. My misspellings, which were done for comic effect, were left intact. Anyone who can identify the source for the Elven-Queen's name will win a congratulatory PM.  
_

* * *

I.  
INILZABETH: Welcome to the Forest, Eregon. Here you'll be trained in many things.  
SAPHIRA: [_blows sparks_] Your first lesson will be how to put out a forest fire.

[_later_]  
OROMIS: I'm glad to see you, Eregon. You'll remember me - we talked before, in Farther Dur.  
INILZABETH: What? You saw Eregon, and you didn't tell me?  
OROMIS: You've seen him too, my queen. For example, you're seeing him right now.  
[_INILZABETH sighs and walks away, shaking her head_.]  
OROMIS: Now, Eregon, what do you think your training will include?  
EREGON: Um... linguistics?  
OROMIS: Perhaps. But your first lesson will be in logic. You can do many things by pointing out the simplest, most logical observations.  
EREGON: Like what you pointed out to Inilzabeth?  
OROMIS: Exactly.

* * *

II.  
OROMIS: Listen to the plants.  
SAPHIRA: Huh?  
EREGON: But, teacher, all I hear are the animals!  
SAPHIRA: Who're you calling an animal?  
OROMIS: Listen!  
EREGON: But I don't hear anything!  
OROMIS: Listen! Listen! LISTEN!  
EREGON: ...Yes, teacher, sounds are ringing in my ears.  
OROMIS: Good.

* * *

III.  
OROMIS: How can there be a god when there's so much evil in this world?  
EREGON: But, teacher, how can there be a world unless there is a god?  
OROMIS: We've watched a long time, and we've never seen a god make a world.  
EREGON: But -  
OROMIS: And so, we can't prove that any god exists, because we've never seen one. Thus, it is proven.  
EREGON: But couldn't a god be doing things you can't -  
OROMIS: That's our answer; why are you contradicting me?  
EREGON: But you said -  
GLYDIR: Eregon, I SAY THERE IS NO GOD! LISTEN TO ME!  
EREGON: ...Yes, teacher.

* * *

IV.  
OROMIS: Eregon, the celebration of Renewal of the Blood-Oath is coming up.  
EREGON: So you want me to cut myself?  
OROMIS: Don't be silly. Everyone needs to make a presentation.

[_at the celebration_]  
INILZABETH: Next is our newest Dragon-Rider, Eregon.  
SAPHIRA: You forgot his dragon!  
INILZABETH: Oh - all right, next is our newest Dragon, Saphira.  
SAPHIRA: Thank you. My presentation is the Skill of a Perfect Dragon. [_blows a blast of fire at someone's helmet_]  
INILZABETH: Thank you... That is a most intriguing shape you left it in... Next, once more, is our newest Dragon-Rider, Eregon.  
EREGON: Thank you. My presentation is a poem in the Ancient Language:

ᚠᚢᚦ ᚬᚱᚴᚼᚾ  
ᛁᛅᛋᛏᛒ ᛘᛚᛦ  
ᚠᚢᚦ ᚭᚱ ᚴᚽᚿ  
ᛁᛆ ᛌᛐᛓᛙᛚᛧ

INILZABETH: Why, how amazing! How could you pronounce all that!?  
OROMIS: He had a good teacher.  
GLIDYR: Make that "good teacherS."  
ALL: How utterly amazing!

* * *

V.  
SAPHIRA: Glydir... what do you think of elves?  
GLIDYR: They're very good... quite delicious.  
EREGON: [_entering_] Wha?  
GLYDIR & SAPHIRA: #$%&$#%&$%# &%$#!  
[_They both pin down Eregon_]  
EREGON: Huh? You can't kill me - I'm a vegetarian! I haven't killed or maimed any animal!  
GLYDIR: And we kill animals every day.  
SAPHIRA: Now, will you forget what you just heard?  
EREGON: I've trained myself to remember everything.  
SAPHIRA: Then we won't let you up.  
EREGON: I also have the patience of a dragon... from you.  
GLIDYR: Then that makes it another matter... How patient ARE we, Saphira dear?

* * *

VI.  
EREGON: [_to himself_] My mind's all in turmoil... I need to stand up to those dragons... What should I do...?  
OROMIS: [_entering_] So, how're your meditations?  
EREGON: Premeditative.  
OROMIS: You're listening to the plants and animals?  
EREGON: Yes. [_to himself_] But they aren't saying a thing.  
OROMIS: And what did you hear?  
EREGON: Nothing.  
OROMIS: You heard Nothing?  
EREGON: Absolutely nothing.  
OROMIS: Why, Eregon, do you know what that means!?  
EREGON: What?  
OROMIS: Eregon, you've passed your training!


End file.
